Daughter of a King
8:29 PMDaughter of a King I have a father who never calls me on the phone. He doesn't show up on special days. He's never once com...
8:29 PM
Daughter
of a King
I have a father who never
calls me on the phone.
He
doesn't show up on special days.
He's
never once come to meet my five year-old daughter.
I've
never heard him say I love you.
I've
never been given an apology.
When
I was a little girl I used to tell people I didn't have a father.
I'd
look at my best friend Jayme with her father and I hurt because I didn't have a
father.
When
I was seventeen, on my first date, I did stupid things with a boy I barely knew
because I didn't have a father to tell me not to.
When
I was 18 I ran away from home and even though I was allowed to leave, I wanted
a father to tell me to go to my room—that I had to stay.
I
walked home from work too many times in the dark because I didn't have a father
to pick me up or fix my car.
I
worked three jobs at a time because I didn't have a father to tell me to go to
college.
When
I wanted a child of my own I cried for three years because I had picked out a
good man to be a good father and nothing ever happened because I didn't know
that I had to ask my Father.
I
closed my eyes and folded my hands over my chest in the darkness of my room
once night.
I
did something that I had denied for eight years of my life. I called my Father.
He didn't answer right
away.
He
stayed hidden in the shadows for a while as I waited. As I tested. As I wondered
what was wrong with me.
I
was on the grass in my front yard, one day, warming under the sun, as I heard a
reply.
It
was a memory from when I was seventeen and walked home alone from work. It took
me two miles after the bus dropped me off. Halfway there it started to rain. I
started to cry. I never felt more alone in my life. My mother had just died. I
was kid who wasn't supposed to be a kid. But I got up and worked. I got up and
smiled. I got up every fucking day and just played along with this illusion called
life. I remember that feeling, how deeply it filled me. It was the truth. I was
alone.
The
rain was coming down so hard I cried without fear of the neighbors seeing my
tears or hearing my conversation with my mother. I talked to her the whole way home.
I talked to that feeling that was about to cripple me. I finally addressed its
presence and unearthed it from the pit I had ordered it to go because it
terrified me to feel such agony.
And
then I saw my mother. She was in the clouds. Two beautiful rainbows connected
right over my house. When I was a kid there were always two rainbows that
appeared outside my mother's bedroom window after the rain stopped in the
afternoon.
It
warmed me. But I always knew I had a mother.
I gave up on trying to figure out my father. Trying to manipulate my life into something it would never be. I accepted that I would be childless. I put away those dreams.
It was then my Father called.
I gave up on trying to figure out my father. Trying to manipulate my life into something it would never be. I accepted that I would be childless. I put away those dreams.
It was then my Father called.
He
finally wanted to speak to me.
And
for nine months my world was reshaped. My heart was made full again. I was
humbled and amazed and felt life coursing through me.
He's
never once come to see her. He created her just for me.
He
doesn't show up on special days. He's given me infinite days to feel blessed.
I've
never heard him say I love you. I feel it every day.
He
doesn't call me on the phone. He calls me to Him.
I've never heard Him apologize, because He isn't sorry for giving me life.
I've never heard Him apologize, because He isn't sorry for giving me life.
When
I was a little girl I used to tell people I didn't have a father.
But that was before I knew I was the daughter of a King.
But that was before I knew I was the daughter of a King.
